Back On Track

Life has brought more twists and turns then I could have ever imagined. I took some time for myself and am ready to fall back into my plans. Last month I finally received the notice I have been waiting for….I am getting laid off from my job. I was filled with more unexpected emotion then you could imagine mostly relief. My friends and coworkers were upset, as to be expected and quite surprised that I was not.  This job has been was a huge chapter in my personal story but at the end it became so dull and endless. It was similar to reading the the last few chapters of a book when you already know the ending, it drags on and on. I started here when I was 19, a lady never shares her age, so nine years later  and I am still in the same place. Not literally, I have a different gray cube then the first gray cube I started with. Just mentally. I'm ready to embrace this change and be forced to start my adventure. There are times when I get a little nervous and wonder what I will do but I know all of my thoughts, wants and needs will gather into one central location soon for the my ideal happiness.  It really is quite hard to focus on work once you have been given this sort of news. I often drift into a daydream and only return in time for 3:00 coffee breaks. I'm standing on the tip of the diving board, waiting and anxious to jump...the only thing holding me back is time.In an effort to ease the pain of sitting in this standstill I'm going to work on all of my goals.

My first goal is to get back into writing because it makes me happy and helps me center all of the things that I want to accomplish. I am starting to get a little side tracked by some unexpected visitors from the past. So tonight, I am going to start my list. My list will be filled with all of things I want to accomplish by the end of the year. I'm excited to really dig in and find out what is truly important to me. Discovery lies ahead……………….  

OUR BIG FEET ARE LEAVING A HUGE CARBON FOOTPRINT!!!

So everyone has heard of the three R’s over and over again. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. I partake at work and here and there but I never actually took it seriously. My plan this weekend is to get as many people involved in my family as I can and to start a serious recycling plan at home. The irreversible damage that is being done is unreal. Last year, 2010 was the most crippling year we have ever encountered before with the largest amount of coral reef dying ever. It has to do with global warming created by our own selfishness. I don’t expect anyone to be able to stop this but we can do our part to make a difference and slow down the effects. Coral Reef plays such an important role in our ecosystem. The coral reefs were first developed 5-7,000 years ago. These reefs are homes for millions of habitats and provide food for numerous plants and animals. The reefs form a natural storm breaker and play a major role in our economy especially here in Florida. The reefs are a 4 billion dollar industry and need to be protected from boats, human activity, and pollution. Over 75% of the reefs in Florida were declared in poor state this year. I joined the reef alliance and am working towards many any changes that I am capable of this year….updates to follow.

Two boys, an audience, a Christmas Tree and lighter fluid = New Years Eve!

I brought in the new year at my sisters house. It was set up perfectly with tons of good treats, laughter and the people I love. The boys got carried away as to be expected but they were quite helpful. In their search for things to burn they practically cleaned her whole yard. They are like two tornadoes that during the creation of the destruction path they turn the soil for better crops. Happy New Year!

The Winter Snap has turned into the Winter Clap…Make it go away!

I couldn’t wait for winter this year. I was dying to break out the boots, sweaters and scarves. Well it’s been a month I’ve gotten to wear all of my new stuff and I’m missing my flip flops and tank tops. I think the extreme ups and downs in Florida make it more difficult than it has to be. Your body can never quite fully adjust to it being hot or cold. One day your playing outside wearing your summer clothes and the very next evening your snuggled up by the fire with five blankets over you trying to kill the chill. Leo is having a hard time adjusting as well J

FEAR

Reading an article in the paper today I stumbled upon a story of a woman who was born with the disability of “No Fear” or STM as they call it. I thought to myself wow why would that ever be considered a disability and not an ability. I instantly thought of my own fears…it is quite a long list and wondered how my life might be different if I didn’t have them at all. Maybe I wouldn’t get sick to my stomach when looking off of the watch tower at the local park, maybe I would let my guard down when I met someone I could potentially fall for, maybe I would be able to walk to my car at night to grab something I forgot without hesitation for what is lurking in the dark, or maybe I would even get up and walk away from my life and start a new one somewhere else. Fear has always been an impairment in my life. What I failed to realize is that fear has also been a savior in my life. It has kept me from some of the damaging activities I had the opportunity to participate in, it has forced me to complete things I wanted to give up on because I was scared of disappointing others and fear has made me more aware and careful of my actions. Most things in life are two sided, this is just another one. I think I will keep my fears for now…..until they can or need to be conquered.

Ichepucksassa...It's where I'm from?? Really?

Studying history…reading random articles…..doing pointless research trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied from the thoughts that it always returns to. It’s not easy….every moment is a fight. But in my quest to prevent the endless circles of self accusations I learned some interesting things about the town that I grew up in. I called my wonderful sister eager to share the info but she was already on top of it, she is the smartest girl I know. Anyways thought I would share…just some interesting facts and pictures.

Plant City's original name was Ichepucksassa after the Indian village that once occupied this territory. So much confusion was created with the spelling and pronunciation that the Irish postmaster renamed the village Cork, after his home city. In 1884, Henry B. Plant extended the South Florida Railroad into the town and one year later, when the town was incorporated, it was once again renamed this time in honor of Henry B. Plant.

Originally Plant City was a large cotton center.  Changing its major crop to strawberries has brought it national recognition.  Today, over three-quarters of the nation's midwinter strawberries come from Plant City. 

Plant City has a rich history dating back to the mid-1800s when settlers first began to populate Florida. Plant City was incorporated in 1885, 16 years after the state was chartered.  Plant City derives its name not from the surrounding agricultural industry which greatly added to the City's growth, but from Henry Bradley Plant.

It’s good to know where you come from to determine where your headed.

Pages keep turning.......age is approaching rapidly.....for all of us.

Another moment, hour, day, week and month has passed.... aging is on my brain......I stand in front of the mirror pouring on moisturizer...especially to the corners of my eyes and around my mouth....I smile painfully hard into my reflection glaring at the crows feet that appear and disappear as I smile then frown....I try to imagine myself much older and wrinklier.....at the same time wondering if my grandparents, parents and older friends ever laughed and could not picture themselves aging either......it seems as though there is a clock before each of our heads ticking away.....tick tick tick....three more seconds gone....why is aging such a scary thing....why are people so unable to embrace something that is inevitable.....I think that there are always insecurities when it comes to our looks changing.....but being closer to the unknown is like teetering on the edge of a black hole.....where does it lead?

Things have started to change in my world and slowly I am becoming more of the person I want to be. I visited with my Dad yesterday at the ALF. I think it can be pretty painful watching someone dissolve from a man into a piece of who they were. I get angry at my higher power sometimes for making human beings go through such an awful struggle at the closing of their life. But when truly reflecting on the situation I think that it is very important for each of us to experience it. Not only for ourselves but for others as well. During the aging process a knowledge is gained of what it is to be forgotten or not pleasant to be around....which leaves nothing but time to reflect on your own life. Where it has been and where it is headed. These thoughts consume the mind and trap questions of "what if?" and "when will this end?". People become some imprisoned that it prevents any moments left you may have to enjoy your family.

Seeing the changes in my father and my family have also made me realize how short life really can be and how it is so easy to get swept into pursuing activities, people, friends and lifestyles that are so far from who you actually are. It also lets me know that we are all here trying to pursue our own path whatever that may be. Just because I don't agree with your path or the things along the way that you have done should not make me dislike you or treat you any different then anyone else. I have grown to be such a judgemental person lately. Maybe it is to protect myself from feeling. It is much easier to get angry with people for the things they did wrong in their life then to be grateful for the things they did right.  Regardless of how many bumps there were in the road I do want to forgive and I do appreciate what was able to be done for me in my life time. It has meant a lot. I don't want to leave this earth knowing that I treated someone that loved me with disdain for the things they have done in their life weather those actions were carried out by mental lacking or poor personal choices. We are all hurt by many things my father did. My only hope at the close of this day is that he will find peace....within himself and with his higher power because we all have the right to redemption......