Pages keep turning.......age is approaching rapidly.....for all of us.

Another moment, hour, day, week and month has passed.... aging is on my brain......I stand in front of the mirror pouring on moisturizer...especially to the corners of my eyes and around my mouth....I smile painfully hard into my reflection glaring at the crows feet that appear and disappear as I smile then frown....I try to imagine myself much older and wrinklier.....at the same time wondering if my grandparents, parents and older friends ever laughed and could not picture themselves aging either......it seems as though there is a clock before each of our heads ticking away.....tick tick tick....three more seconds gone....why is aging such a scary thing....why are people so unable to embrace something that is inevitable.....I think that there are always insecurities when it comes to our looks changing.....but being closer to the unknown is like teetering on the edge of a black hole.....where does it lead?

Things have started to change in my world and slowly I am becoming more of the person I want to be. I visited with my Dad yesterday at the ALF. I think it can be pretty painful watching someone dissolve from a man into a piece of who they were. I get angry at my higher power sometimes for making human beings go through such an awful struggle at the closing of their life. But when truly reflecting on the situation I think that it is very important for each of us to experience it. Not only for ourselves but for others as well. During the aging process a knowledge is gained of what it is to be forgotten or not pleasant to be around....which leaves nothing but time to reflect on your own life. Where it has been and where it is headed. These thoughts consume the mind and trap questions of "what if?" and "when will this end?". People become some imprisoned that it prevents any moments left you may have to enjoy your family.

Seeing the changes in my father and my family have also made me realize how short life really can be and how it is so easy to get swept into pursuing activities, people, friends and lifestyles that are so far from who you actually are. It also lets me know that we are all here trying to pursue our own path whatever that may be. Just because I don't agree with your path or the things along the way that you have done should not make me dislike you or treat you any different then anyone else. I have grown to be such a judgemental person lately. Maybe it is to protect myself from feeling. It is much easier to get angry with people for the things they did wrong in their life then to be grateful for the things they did right.  Regardless of how many bumps there were in the road I do want to forgive and I do appreciate what was able to be done for me in my life time. It has meant a lot. I don't want to leave this earth knowing that I treated someone that loved me with disdain for the things they have done in their life weather those actions were carried out by mental lacking or poor personal choices. We are all hurt by many things my father did. My only hope at the close of this day is that he will find peace....within himself and with his higher power because we all have the right to redemption......