Pages keep turning.......age is approaching rapidly.....for all of us.

Another moment, hour, day, week and month has passed.... aging is on my brain......I stand in front of the mirror pouring on moisturizer...especially to the corners of my eyes and around my mouth....I smile painfully hard into my reflection glaring at the crows feet that appear and disappear as I smile then frown....I try to imagine myself much older and wrinklier.....at the same time wondering if my grandparents, parents and older friends ever laughed and could not picture themselves aging either......it seems as though there is a clock before each of our heads ticking away.....tick tick tick....three more seconds gone....why is aging such a scary thing....why are people so unable to embrace something that is inevitable.....I think that there are always insecurities when it comes to our looks changing.....but being closer to the unknown is like teetering on the edge of a black hole.....where does it lead?

Things have started to change in my world and slowly I am becoming more of the person I want to be. I visited with my Dad yesterday at the ALF. I think it can be pretty painful watching someone dissolve from a man into a piece of who they were. I get angry at my higher power sometimes for making human beings go through such an awful struggle at the closing of their life. But when truly reflecting on the situation I think that it is very important for each of us to experience it. Not only for ourselves but for others as well. During the aging process a knowledge is gained of what it is to be forgotten or not pleasant to be around....which leaves nothing but time to reflect on your own life. Where it has been and where it is headed. These thoughts consume the mind and trap questions of "what if?" and "when will this end?". People become some imprisoned that it prevents any moments left you may have to enjoy your family.

Seeing the changes in my father and my family have also made me realize how short life really can be and how it is so easy to get swept into pursuing activities, people, friends and lifestyles that are so far from who you actually are. It also lets me know that we are all here trying to pursue our own path whatever that may be. Just because I don't agree with your path or the things along the way that you have done should not make me dislike you or treat you any different then anyone else. I have grown to be such a judgemental person lately. Maybe it is to protect myself from feeling. It is much easier to get angry with people for the things they did wrong in their life then to be grateful for the things they did right.  Regardless of how many bumps there were in the road I do want to forgive and I do appreciate what was able to be done for me in my life time. It has meant a lot. I don't want to leave this earth knowing that I treated someone that loved me with disdain for the things they have done in their life weather those actions were carried out by mental lacking or poor personal choices. We are all hurt by many things my father did. My only hope at the close of this day is that he will find peace....within himself and with his higher power because we all have the right to redemption......

Thursday, October 7th

Yet another birthday!!!! Today is my Mother's 58th birthday. She is a timeless beauty and the only one I know that can manage to keep her childlike innocence into adulthood. I can honestly say she doesn't look much different from when I was little. I'm not sure if it was the non smoking or not wearing a lot of make up but she has been perfectly preserved. She is an incredible friend, parent, artist and mentor and she happens to be my personal therapist. Between her, Mimi and my sister I was able to pick myself up from ground zero. I am so lucky for the strong women in my life. Gratitude. I am so thankful to have a beautiful childhood painted with homemade birthday cakes, game nights, amazing food, personalized bedrooms, laughter and more. Everything in our world is changing right now and there are times when the stress of life gets to her. Her spirit is strong though and no matter what kind of pain she is in physically or mentally she trudges on and manages to carry the weight of her family with her. When I have a strong moment or am creative, I always think to myself that is a little bit of her in me, and it makes me proud.

Recalling a memory that seems funny to me now. At about ten years old, I was going through an old red trunk of my mothers. I loved looking at pictures of her when she was a teenager because I wanted to look just like her. We got to chatting and looking through pictures of her friend Virgina and her. She said that when they were younger, Virginia said she wanted five children and my mom said she wanted none. In reality my mom ended up with three and Virginia has one. At the time this made me mad. I spent everyday playing house with my sister and practicing to be a Mom. I spent time planning how many children I would have and what their names would be. Where we would live. How could she have not been dreaming and planning for me to? Maybe it got to me because as a child I heard my dad say that all his kids were accidents and this confirmed his words. I realize now that nothing in this world is an accident. Everything happens for a reason and this is currently humorous to me because she didn't need to plan. She didn't need to practice. It just came naturally, in most cases babies are a gift to the families that receive them. In this case my mother was a gift to each one of us blessing each one of our lives in different ways. I hope that on her busy moving day she has at least one moment to sit down, relax and reflect. In just 58 short years she was able to master motherhood, friendship, loyalty, kindness, strength, marriage and family. Her day has come. She has spent her life serving her main purposes and it is time they serve her now. My wish for her birthday is that the path to her true happiness is easily sought out and found this year. I wish that she settles comfortably into her new home and that the stress and guilt of her marriage are left behind at the Maryland House. This year will be filled with new memories and a family closeness that I'm sure she has missed lately. Soon enough the burdens on her shoulders will disappear and her new beautiful home will be filled with all the comforts of the old home but with a new fresh feeling of freedom for her. I can already see Leo and Lola playing in the yard with my Mom's future grandchildren in her beautiful diamond shaped garden while she smiles with a true deep smile, with no sadness or grief behind it. We will get there mom I promise. I love you. Happy Birthday!

Wednesday, October 6th

                               

Gratitude.

I am thankful for your typical things. A roof over my head, god, food, family and friends. But as time goes on there is so much more that I am grateful for. The first thing would be progression. As time goes on we all get older and our days are numbered. I am so grateful for this process because it puts pressure on the realization that we need to appreciate the ones we love everyday. Today is my brothers birthday. He will be 29. When you are young you imagine yourself growing up and getting to do all the cool things in life- like driving, drinking, shopping, getting a house and so on. You sift out all the not so glamorous things of aging…..until you get there. When I see my brother today….I sometimes overlook the man that he has become. I still see the childish boy that loved pizza and to sneak episodes of Bart Simpson when Mom wasn't around. We bickered quite a bit once my sister was born and in teenage years grew apart for a bit causing our friendship to be superficial for a bit. Now that we are older I don't get to see him as often as I would like to. Two jobs, relationships, friends and other time constraints keep us at a distance. As I write this I find myself day dreaming about different memories we have shared. Working together at the local pizza place, hanging with friends, boating for his birthday, calling each other for help during relationship crisis's. Our relationship has truly developed over the years and gets better every year. He really is a wonderful talented person. He has a heart of gold. I think that the only thing he could truly be accused of is being to good to people he lets in his heart.  I am also reminded that there was a time when my brother almost left this world. He has a liver disease and needed a transplant. Luckily he conquered the disease and made it out alive. Be grateful for everything around you even something that may seem like a windfall.  My gratitude is beyond words for the salvation of his life. I am truly blessed to have a brother and friend. Happy Birthday Bobbo!!!

"More tears are shed for answered prayers then unanswered prayers" - Truman Capote

Tuesday, October 5th

Another day…another dollar. Work goes on. School goes on. Routine. Routine. Routine. I need change in a major way. I have already begun to transform who I am and I really need a career and life that match.

Is anything in life a coincidence?

My sister came to me with an idea about opening up a salon. The stores around where they are opening a shop are really cheap. I thought about this and honestly considered it for a bit. In order to do this I would need to give up my longtime goal to join the air force. I did not stress my decision as I normally do, but remained open for the right path to open for me. When I entered school there was a newspaper on our break room table with one page open. The page had an air force add, I read it but disregarded the message. As my night went on, I did a color retouch on a client. I have worked on her before. She is a nice woman, a little over the top at moments, but kind. She mentioned that she was getting her hair done because she was going on vacation. Just making small talk, I asked where she was headed. SAN ANTONIO! It's strange but I really felt as though my path was being pointed out for me. San Antonio is the city where the only basic training camp is for the air force. Seeing as how this is not a popular vacation site with not much to offer, I inquired as to why San Antonio. She said that she just chose it off a time share list and decided to go. She has no family there and has never been before. This is to much a coincidence. I think that every single person has a spiritual guide. Sometimes the world is so noisy we lose touch, can no longer hear our guides and we fall off the path. If you can learn to tune the rest of the world out and really listen, you will be one step closer to the right path. I hope your day is beautiful and that your path is located with ease.

Monday, October 4th

Things have been going........I have not been on in a little bit because my schedule often drains me of all my energy. I have been opening up in ways that I never thought I would and evolving in ways that I never could have imagined. I have always believed in signs and that people enter and exit your life at different times to serve a purpose. Weather it is a friend that is bringing you up in a time of need or just an acquaintance that is kind to you. All of these meetings, although some brief or painful are not a coincidence and each encounter should be thought of as a gift. I am learning to be more open and in turn am learning everyday. I recently ran into a girl that I had despised and was quite ugly to in the past. Mainly because one of my other friends did not care for her. Sounds silly but it was who I was at that moment in my life, a direct reflection of whomever I was around. I never carried a conversation on with her and was pretty cold to her. She was with one of my friends this week, who asked if she could come over. Without hesitation I said yes. Part of my transformation is to accept any and all people into my heart and be open. Almost instantly within meeting, for the first time formally, we had so much in common. From struggles with family members with Dementia to interest in reincarnation. We chatted until almost two in the morning. When she left I was pleased with the evening. I was disappointed in myself at first for never giving her a chance from the beginning. But I know that she was meant to enter my life at the time she did. I do not question why anymore…..I am just grateful. I may have anger in my heart at times for my ex because things did not work out. In the end though it is mainly because I miss the times we shared and the life that we created. Today I am grateful for my failed marriage. It is sad to close the door on not only our relationship together but mainly on our friendship. I now know that it is OK to still love her no matter what happened and I have a strong belief that it was her time to leave my life. Perhaps the person's life that she has entered now was more in need than I am today…whatever the reason I am grateful for the memories and the path this change has lead me to today……

Weekend Catch Up

A weekend spent with family will always clear the mind…..then realization enters your thoughts, letting it be known exactly why these people are your sanctuary. I took the day off work with my sister to spend some much needed time. We spent most of the day laughing and being silly. Some great buys found us as the local thrift store. I don’t know why I even bother spending money sometimes on new items when there are so many great buys out there that people have given away. I have created a list of things I would like to master in my time here, listed below. I am sure I may add a few items to my list later on.

1. Patience
2. Self Gratitude
3. Love
4. Worship
5. Pleasure
6. Humility
7. Selflessness
8. Devotion
9. Empowerment
10. Wonder
11. Freedom
12. Beauty
13. True Happiness
14. Travel
15. Pride
16. Miraculous
17. Inspiration
18. Joy
19. Accomplishment
20. Endurance

Today I am working and making plans…I have attached a few pictures from this weekend. Although this was obviously a creation from man I feel that it was a sign from somewhere else to remember that no matter happens what love is important.

The stages of a butterfly’s life often mimic those of humans. Butterflies spend 90% of their life time working towards becoming this beautiful creature. When the goal is finally attained, they only get a brief period to bask in the glory. The shortest life span of an adult butterfly is two days while the longest is twelve months. It hardly seems long enough to enjoy the hard work. I feel sorry for them….but how am I really different? What makes my life routine any different? How am I making better use of my time? What if the caterpillar were to put off his work and dreams of becoming a butterfly as I do with mine? Would he one day look back and wonder how great he could’ve been? These are questions I often ponder. There are so many constraints in life that tell me I need to be with someone, have a house, make great money and start a family to be happy. After many failed attempts of trying achieving this life, I am ready to find out what will truly make me happy and allow me to be the butterfly that I always intended to be……..

I have decided to outline my life as a butterfly, and rewrite my own story……..all along the way I will be documenting my changes and enjoying every minute of this short life span……you are here for a moment……..

 Stage One

The Egg. (stage Approx 6 months) This will be my rebirth to put it in a cheesy way. The Retreat. I will stick close to home and spend a majority of my time working on myself and getting to know all of the things I overlooked for so long. This is a self improvement phase. Old habits will be kicked and plans for new habits will be formed.

Stage Two

The caterpillar. (stage Approx 12 months)  This stage is about growth and personal achievement. Venturing away from protection and comfort zones. The caterpillar is slow and so will be the steps to reaching my goals. Challenges and aspirations that have been put away for a long time or brushed off will finally be conquered. A venture far from home will occur and the preparation for the big transformation will take place. Fear will no longer be an option.

Stage Three

The cocoon.  (Approx 6 months) Seclusion and creation of complete independence will occur in this stage. A developmental plan will be set in motion for a true change that will effect conception from others as well as self. Sense of self will be strengthened. All plans are in action.

Stage Four

The Great beauty. (Ongoing) Self sufficiency will be accomplished. True happiness will be achieved and enjoyed.