Thursday, October 7th

Yet another birthday!!!! Today is my Mother's 58th birthday. She is a timeless beauty and the only one I know that can manage to keep her childlike innocence into adulthood. I can honestly say she doesn't look much different from when I was little. I'm not sure if it was the non smoking or not wearing a lot of make up but she has been perfectly preserved. She is an incredible friend, parent, artist and mentor and she happens to be my personal therapist. Between her, Mimi and my sister I was able to pick myself up from ground zero. I am so lucky for the strong women in my life. Gratitude. I am so thankful to have a beautiful childhood painted with homemade birthday cakes, game nights, amazing food, personalized bedrooms, laughter and more. Everything in our world is changing right now and there are times when the stress of life gets to her. Her spirit is strong though and no matter what kind of pain she is in physically or mentally she trudges on and manages to carry the weight of her family with her. When I have a strong moment or am creative, I always think to myself that is a little bit of her in me, and it makes me proud.

Recalling a memory that seems funny to me now. At about ten years old, I was going through an old red trunk of my mothers. I loved looking at pictures of her when she was a teenager because I wanted to look just like her. We got to chatting and looking through pictures of her friend Virgina and her. She said that when they were younger, Virginia said she wanted five children and my mom said she wanted none. In reality my mom ended up with three and Virginia has one. At the time this made me mad. I spent everyday playing house with my sister and practicing to be a Mom. I spent time planning how many children I would have and what their names would be. Where we would live. How could she have not been dreaming and planning for me to? Maybe it got to me because as a child I heard my dad say that all his kids were accidents and this confirmed his words. I realize now that nothing in this world is an accident. Everything happens for a reason and this is currently humorous to me because she didn't need to plan. She didn't need to practice. It just came naturally, in most cases babies are a gift to the families that receive them. In this case my mother was a gift to each one of us blessing each one of our lives in different ways. I hope that on her busy moving day she has at least one moment to sit down, relax and reflect. In just 58 short years she was able to master motherhood, friendship, loyalty, kindness, strength, marriage and family. Her day has come. She has spent her life serving her main purposes and it is time they serve her now. My wish for her birthday is that the path to her true happiness is easily sought out and found this year. I wish that she settles comfortably into her new home and that the stress and guilt of her marriage are left behind at the Maryland House. This year will be filled with new memories and a family closeness that I'm sure she has missed lately. Soon enough the burdens on her shoulders will disappear and her new beautiful home will be filled with all the comforts of the old home but with a new fresh feeling of freedom for her. I can already see Leo and Lola playing in the yard with my Mom's future grandchildren in her beautiful diamond shaped garden while she smiles with a true deep smile, with no sadness or grief behind it. We will get there mom I promise. I love you. Happy Birthday!

Wednesday, October 6th

                               

Gratitude.

I am thankful for your typical things. A roof over my head, god, food, family and friends. But as time goes on there is so much more that I am grateful for. The first thing would be progression. As time goes on we all get older and our days are numbered. I am so grateful for this process because it puts pressure on the realization that we need to appreciate the ones we love everyday. Today is my brothers birthday. He will be 29. When you are young you imagine yourself growing up and getting to do all the cool things in life- like driving, drinking, shopping, getting a house and so on. You sift out all the not so glamorous things of aging…..until you get there. When I see my brother today….I sometimes overlook the man that he has become. I still see the childish boy that loved pizza and to sneak episodes of Bart Simpson when Mom wasn't around. We bickered quite a bit once my sister was born and in teenage years grew apart for a bit causing our friendship to be superficial for a bit. Now that we are older I don't get to see him as often as I would like to. Two jobs, relationships, friends and other time constraints keep us at a distance. As I write this I find myself day dreaming about different memories we have shared. Working together at the local pizza place, hanging with friends, boating for his birthday, calling each other for help during relationship crisis's. Our relationship has truly developed over the years and gets better every year. He really is a wonderful talented person. He has a heart of gold. I think that the only thing he could truly be accused of is being to good to people he lets in his heart.  I am also reminded that there was a time when my brother almost left this world. He has a liver disease and needed a transplant. Luckily he conquered the disease and made it out alive. Be grateful for everything around you even something that may seem like a windfall.  My gratitude is beyond words for the salvation of his life. I am truly blessed to have a brother and friend. Happy Birthday Bobbo!!!

"More tears are shed for answered prayers then unanswered prayers" - Truman Capote

Tuesday, October 5th

Another day…another dollar. Work goes on. School goes on. Routine. Routine. Routine. I need change in a major way. I have already begun to transform who I am and I really need a career and life that match.

Is anything in life a coincidence?

My sister came to me with an idea about opening up a salon. The stores around where they are opening a shop are really cheap. I thought about this and honestly considered it for a bit. In order to do this I would need to give up my longtime goal to join the air force. I did not stress my decision as I normally do, but remained open for the right path to open for me. When I entered school there was a newspaper on our break room table with one page open. The page had an air force add, I read it but disregarded the message. As my night went on, I did a color retouch on a client. I have worked on her before. She is a nice woman, a little over the top at moments, but kind. She mentioned that she was getting her hair done because she was going on vacation. Just making small talk, I asked where she was headed. SAN ANTONIO! It's strange but I really felt as though my path was being pointed out for me. San Antonio is the city where the only basic training camp is for the air force. Seeing as how this is not a popular vacation site with not much to offer, I inquired as to why San Antonio. She said that she just chose it off a time share list and decided to go. She has no family there and has never been before. This is to much a coincidence. I think that every single person has a spiritual guide. Sometimes the world is so noisy we lose touch, can no longer hear our guides and we fall off the path. If you can learn to tune the rest of the world out and really listen, you will be one step closer to the right path. I hope your day is beautiful and that your path is located with ease.

Monday, October 4th

Things have been going........I have not been on in a little bit because my schedule often drains me of all my energy. I have been opening up in ways that I never thought I would and evolving in ways that I never could have imagined. I have always believed in signs and that people enter and exit your life at different times to serve a purpose. Weather it is a friend that is bringing you up in a time of need or just an acquaintance that is kind to you. All of these meetings, although some brief or painful are not a coincidence and each encounter should be thought of as a gift. I am learning to be more open and in turn am learning everyday. I recently ran into a girl that I had despised and was quite ugly to in the past. Mainly because one of my other friends did not care for her. Sounds silly but it was who I was at that moment in my life, a direct reflection of whomever I was around. I never carried a conversation on with her and was pretty cold to her. She was with one of my friends this week, who asked if she could come over. Without hesitation I said yes. Part of my transformation is to accept any and all people into my heart and be open. Almost instantly within meeting, for the first time formally, we had so much in common. From struggles with family members with Dementia to interest in reincarnation. We chatted until almost two in the morning. When she left I was pleased with the evening. I was disappointed in myself at first for never giving her a chance from the beginning. But I know that she was meant to enter my life at the time she did. I do not question why anymore…..I am just grateful. I may have anger in my heart at times for my ex because things did not work out. In the end though it is mainly because I miss the times we shared and the life that we created. Today I am grateful for my failed marriage. It is sad to close the door on not only our relationship together but mainly on our friendship. I now know that it is OK to still love her no matter what happened and I have a strong belief that it was her time to leave my life. Perhaps the person's life that she has entered now was more in need than I am today…whatever the reason I am grateful for the memories and the path this change has lead me to today……